Un-F$%king-Known

Dear future me,

I know you might want to forget the pandemic as a whole and what it has done to you mentally and physically along with circumstances that came with it all. During this time, you have taken a hit financially since you were not able to continue working as a floater and substitute teacher. You pay for tuition out of pocket and do not have a meal plan or a dorm on campus so you did not receive money from school during this time. Your apartment complex that you moved into to be closer to school will continue to charge for amenities and things that are no longer in use and you still have to pay out your lease. The stimulus check will pay for some bills but you will be in debt from the pandemic. Your family will be affected, some will be tested positive and be healthy afterwards, while others will not make it and that’s okay too. At least school was a little flexible-until some professors gave more assignments than originally on the syllabus.

I want to remember that I can be self-sufficient and can find different ways of handling all the stress. I want to remember all the skills that I have obtained like new cooking recipes, knitting, grooming, cleaning, and eve picking up a new language. I learned different skills and actually enjoy making lists and crossing items off my list. I have learned how to groom my dog because I was not aware that the pet salons were still opened. I am actually pretty proud of that even if he ends up looking like a child who just discovered scissors got a hold of him. I also want to remember how united my family is. During the hard times of my family, we were all able to stay united, pray together, morn and fill a hole. I have learned so much about my family and how we view the world around us even though we are all of different ages. I want to forget how anxious I became and depressed during quarantine. I become extremely anxious when I don’t have an idea of what is going on or feel like I don’t have control over life or things in general. I cried two to three times a day when quarantine first started and had a few panic attacks when it progressed because I felt trapped. My sleep schedule has been all over the place and eating patterns even worse. I started reaching out to parents of my students and seeing if I could babysit their kids or if they could recommend me because I was left without any income and bills and tuition to pay. Luckily, I have one family I babysit for that is helping me get through and not be too low in funds. Overall through this experience I want to re-remember only the good like the unity of family and how good it feels to walk for long periods of time to be able to breathe when it feels like I couldn’t breathe anymore.

Poem I wrote during this time:

Breathe,

Blink,

Cry,

Learn something new,

Zoom University,

Isolation,

Hand sanitizer,

Cry,

Breathe,

Margarita,

Walk,

Cook,

Wear a mask,

Cry,

Drive,

Wash hands,

At home yoga,

To-do,

Bills,

Assignments,

Death,

Cry,

Essential oils,

Zoom meeting at 3,

Breathe,

Call dad,

Calm mom down,

It’s going to be okay,

Another Infected,

Cry,

Breathe,

Almost May,

When will I see you again?

Will I get to walk across that stage?

Un-fucking known.